I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my first Mother’s Day. I am so overwhelmingly grateful for my son and I love him more than anything in the world.
This last year has been incredibly challenging. I had a colicky baby who hated sleep, developed excruciating de Quervain’s Syndrome in both wrists, and at Leo’s six month immunizations a wonderful health nurse urged me to see my doctor about postpartum depression and anxiety. By the time I finally admitted that I did need help and worked up the courage to see my doctor, she was unhelpful and dismissive of my concerns. I’ve been conflicted on where to turn ever since.
In addition, late last year both of my parents were diagnosed with cancer (my mom for the second time) and I underwent genetic testing for the BRCA2 gene that my mom carries. I’ve spent a lot of the last year just trying to survive and so many things have suffered: my relationships, my health, my self esteem, my sanity. I have doubted my ability as a mother every single day because of these challenges. I’ve felt robbed because so many negative distractions really kept me from enjoying and savouring the first year of my amazing Leo’s life.
I haven’t blogged in three months because I don’t know where to start. I’ve been dragging a lot of ugly stuff around this year and our household has been shouldering most of it alone because I’m so afraid to admit that I’ve been struggling. I don’t EVER want to sound like I’m complaining or that I don’t love being a mother.
My gift to myself today is to just own my truth. As women we feel so much pressure to make it seem like things are perfect all the time and we are doing ourselves a great disservice by hiding every struggle as if it were a dirty secret. I’m slowly learning that motherhood (and life in general) can be imperfect, and that’s ok to acknowledge. If your journey as a mom hasn’t been easy or effortless or the way you had envisioned it, you aren’t alone.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms, moms to be, moms who are struggling to become moms, moms who are mourning the loss of children and the non-moms who do the work of moms. May we all feel celebrated today! Lots of love to you.