So, I know that we were very insistent on not finding out the gender at the beginning of this. But then we found out my younger sister was expecting and due just a week after me. We tested some Old Wives’ Tales together on New Year’s Eve. And then the suggestion came up about a double reveal. Nothing big, just our parents and siblings. The more I thought about this, the more excited I became. We started to plan the get together but when Caitlin couldn’t find out the gender of the baby at her ultrasound, things came to a standstill. Again, I wrestled with finding out at all, but ultimately, Tommy and I had gotten too used to the idea of finding out to go back to playing a waiting game.

We had our 20 week ultrasound and saw our baby squirming on the screen. We saw tiny hands and perfect feet and a pulsing heart. It was magical, and we left with an envelope with the answer inside.

I should back up here. For a long time now, I’ve believed this baby to be a girl. I can’t say why, really. Is it because I was around for more of my sister’s growing up, so I felt I understood them better? Was it because little girls love Tommy and gravitate to him? Was it because my nausea was so intense? I don’t know, but I for sure thought this little baby was a girl. In addition to this, almost everyone I talked to was convinced I was having a girl too. This just felt like our reality and I never really thought about the alternative. Don’t get me wrong. I want both genders, for different reasons. But I definitely thought this one was a girl and that has been the narrative in my mind this whole pregnancy.

Then I saw BLUE balloons and everything changed. We have a video of the reveal that I’ve avoided posting publicly because all you can hear me saying is, “Holy sh*t, holy sh*t, holy sh*t!” about fifty times. I was SHOCKED. Everyone else was too. It was a great moment.

So, we’re going to a have a little boy. We know his name and we use it in private. We call him “he” every chance we get. We went on a little shopping spree for him this past weekend and bought all the little boy outfits we’ve been looking at since we found out we were expecting but before we knew he was a boy. I went through a weird phase of panic about being a “boy mom”. Like I might not be good at it. I’m a girl’s girl all the way through. How will I relate to my son? I had to redirect my thinking after all of that girl projecting I’ve been doing for the last few months. Time is good medicine for worries like this and I’m already looking forward to all our little boy has to teach me. Remember when I talked about being a student on the journey of motherhood? This feels like lesson number one.

IT’S A BOY!

I am so shocked. And thrilled. And terrified. And grateful.

We can’t wait to meet him.